You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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