remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
