Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
