Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
