the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
