He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
