Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
