Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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