The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
