Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I did not marry a roomba.
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