he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
