am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
50% drunk capacity currently
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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