the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
