My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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