Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
