so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
