I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
