Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
