I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
