You smell like stripper and shame
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize