your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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