NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
