i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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