Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
