rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
being pregnant is like rehab
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
