Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
