I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
