There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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