My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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