Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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