he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize