i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
