the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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