Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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