Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
50% drunk capacity currently
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
