News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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