True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's blow job season.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
