Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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