I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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