I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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