I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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