Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
