i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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