uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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