based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize