we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
