I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
