when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
