Jerry, you need to find god
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
