Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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