why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
