Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
