So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
