I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
