I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I need to align my fucking chakras
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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