My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
