Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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